play along

sometimes the people you care about the most can also bring out the worst in you. case in point,my parents. just when you think things are getting be a little quaint, here they go at it again. they argue over everything. silly things like who gets to watch what's on tv or even who gets to talk to me first when i call can make them go insane. and did i mention the bickering? i can pick up on the resentment in my mother's voice thousand miles away. whatever she does nowadays is never good enough for my father and i'm not sure if she will ever measure up in his eyes period. so the slightest thing can set him off & there's always plenty to whine about. all i can do is listen while they vent. the speaker option helps too.

since she has tolerated beyond her share of anguish over the years, she doesn't feel the need to go out of her way just to make him happy anymore. from where she's sitting, he hasn't really redeemed himself. he has done pretty outrageous things through the years making us all go down with him. now that i think about it, it's a wonder he didn't land in jail much less getting beaten and lay in a ditch somewhere. as anonymous as i can roam on the periphery of my own blog, i still cant get myself to write about some of the things he's done. not out of respect for him but for her. so as sad it is, i see her point but her timing seems way off.

the irony is, with him losing his memory in a gradual phase, he doesn't remember all that much. unless you talk to him about something, he may be able to piece some events here & there but not cohesive enough to carry on a conversation. i dont mind repeating myself every 2 minutes or not take it personally when he can't come up with my childrens' names. i know enough to play along not to make him feel offended.after all what good can come out of going over things he doesn't even remember committing? this is what she's up against. she's going up against a shell of a man deemed with a horrible past and who never stood the chance at redemption. now what good can come out of that? not something i want to be in the middle of.

what if..

this isn't a substantial post of any kind..rather just something i've been thinking about.

ask any kid they'll tell you birthdays are fun. may be not so much, if you ask a grown up. i'm on that boat.forget the crap about the older you get the wiser you become. for me the idea of getting older is quite the unsettling kind much less becoming any wiser. would you be around for that many years again? may be i'm being too much of a cynic right now :)

the mother in me..

they've grown up so much. in such a little time. so much so i can't remember how quickly time has flown by like a minute. so many memories flood my mind. as any other mom, i worry. i worry if i've had done enough, i worry if i'm doing enough and i worry if i'd ever do enough. you know the motherly responsibilities. with so many aspirations to stand up to, it's a daunting task to say the least. will i ever be good enough and fill up the mold ? i have no idea. all i can do is to keep on loving them every way possible & more.

i hope you dance..

and..this is for them.. it brings tears to my eyes every time..

the male ego..

somewhere in the next few days my mother's taking some time off being couped up with daily chores in the house all day, leaving on a small vacation for a couple of days. she's been looking forward to this for months now and made preparations well ahead of time around the house.so every thing's in place. unbeknownst to me, the situation has stirred some drama in the house. as fragile as he is, my father still wants to run things around the house & doesn't want her to go. the exact reasons are kind of grainy, because he gives a different one every day, he's insinuating about crossing some unseen boundaries. now this cracks me up. ah ..the pathetic male ego! so i had to cut in to diffuse the situation, as usual. the fact that i live thousand miles apart is immaterial, i almost feel like they are in my house fighting in the other room. sometimes i have to play both roles of good & bad cop. not to overwhelm him, i downplayed the whole thing and made him see she needs the break more than anything. reluctantly he muttered something under his breath and i took it as a grunted approval. not that i needed his approval to begin with but i didn't want to hurt his feelings either.

not being the problem solver anymore is probably hitting him hard now that he's no longer able to get around as he used to. not being able to validate the his value as the caretaker in the relationship is probably eating him up inside too. if only he could see the insecurities in him. looking in from outside, i get all that . but is it fair to the other person? sometimes men get so caught up with their egoism they discount the value & strength of the other person in the relationship/marriage and miss the mark completely.
man..what is it with the male ego? what an interesting breed :)

the other part..

according to most of our friends & family, how my husband & i met, is something predestined and a great love story in itself. maybe they are just a little prejudiced. we were very young, it was a little before my fifteenth b'day when a mutual friend introduced us at another friends'b'day party (sounds so cliche,but true) . he was only a year and a half older than me. so you do the math. well..at fifteen years old (or 14 if you want to be politically correct), you don't even know who you are much less about real love.but you love feeling butterflies in your stomach and get all giddy and mistake the sensation for love. been there,done that. the charming personality he possessed capable of winning anyone over was an added bonus. somehow he never really impressed me all that much.besides the initial attraction, there wasn't a whole lot to hold on to. as naive as i was then, i figured that much early. does it really matter at 15? you know the answer.
funny how early i started making up excuses for things that doesn't resonate with. looking back i can dissect it into million ways today.but i was only 15 & it wasn't like i was going to get married to him. well, little did i know! we hung out a little bit whenever i could lie and get away from my parents strict supervision radar. benefit movie screenings for school fundraisers, fairs, b'day parties and going shopping with friends were my usual sugarcoated lies. most of them worked,it gave such a rush every time. it was all fun but short lived. about 6 or 7 months into our puppy love, the overseas scholarship he'd been waiting for came through and he left the country within a matter of weeks. as heartbroken as i was, my walls were way up and pretended i was fine. so we were resorted to go out our separate ways & we both moved on. that was the end of our part one.

the part two didn't start until i was about 20 or so when i heard from him again. he'd just come back & found out where i worked and called me at work one day.sure, it took me by surprise but we had lots of mutual friends by then and one of them could have easily passed on my work number. he then showed up at work the week after. i was working at a large public venue just outside colombo. i was used to running into people i know on a daily basis , so running into him at work was not really a big deal.at least it wasn't to me. he said he came with a friend and we stuck up a brief conversation ,an awkward one to say the least. i was trying to be polite and looking for getaway excuse. what do you say to an ex boyfriend you haven't seen over 5 years? it struck me as odd, too much to be a coincidence, but i brushed it off. i had completely gotten over him and had no idea what was in store for me.

over the next weeks he picked up the pace and started calling me often. my home number hadn't changed since the last time, and sometimes he'd call me at home as well. he seemed like a completely different person from last time around. for the better, of course. we caught up on the gaps we missed out on,laughed over stuff from our past and made fun of each other. reminiscing sounded fun.we both shared the same sick sense of humor and i eased out on my self developed defenses and let him in. so i decided to give it another go when he'd finally brought up the subject. when people ask me what made it happen the second time around, i say i felt secured & safe with him. and that was the truth. may be it was the comfort of already knowing part of him. like when you know you are safe with someone, you just feel it instinctively. that gut feeling. i think as women we tend to seek security in a relationship and sometimes the actual state of being loved can easily get overlooked. it doesn't seem as important. that's the only way i know how to interpret what led me. coming from a somewhat dysfunctional family (to put it mildly), feeling secured was way more fulfilling than anything.i wanted that sense of security.it all made sense. so what if we don't agree on a few things and he can come off a little controlling or even condescending? or like when he tells me its black when i know its white. so what if we fight over stuff so much when its all done and over with, we don't even remember what we were arguing about in the first place. so what if he makes me feel a little inferior at times? my family history validates it, right? you can look & search until your eyes hurt but we all know there's no perfect relationship out there. every relationship is flawed, it's how you make it work that counts, everything's going to be okay, i kept telling myself.

to fast forward the story, he met my parents a while later & we got married when i was 23. here we are now, years later. still riding out the storms. seemingly endless at that. when someone tells me how rare to have found your life partner when you were fifteen, i give them an acknowledging smile and thank them politely. when you're married, it is expected. you've got to keep your dirt behind closed doors,under lock and all.

but what i don't tell them is that i met the only love of my life,who i rarely talk about, gave him up during the 5 year lapse between these parts of one & two. my biggest regret to date, which covers my real story - the other part. only if they knew......

forgiven....

when i was little, there were a lot of things going on in my family that i really didn't understand. no matter how much i would try, i just couldn't wrap my little head around it. sometimes i would ask my sister but being just an year older than me, she was often just as clueless. when i finally became old enough to understand the reality of the situation, i despised everything i found out. i wanted no part of it, just wanted everything to go back to normal like our neighbours around us. not an easy thing to do when you grow up in a small urban town where people like to be in everyone else's business. i remember the stares we would get when we walk up the street to get on the school bus.funny how i could read people just by a casual stare directed at you. something i'm still remarkably good at even now. i digress. more than anything i despised him. i was angry that he didn't care what it would mean to us. why couldn't he be like our friends fathers who were just normal and devoted? but there were a few times i would just soften up & feel bad for him too , because somewhere in the back of head i knew the whole situation was killing him inside and it couldnt be easy to have everyone else judge you.

over the years i learnt a lot & even have gotten around to forgive him for everything. i don't mean to be heartless when i say this but..although he's sick today, he probably has it easier than any three of us because he can't remember most, if not all of it. he's being showing signs of Alzheimer's, a common form of Dementia which he was diagnosed soon after the stroke.
it's like when you patch up a messy wall with some soothing wallpaper to cover the dirt,but you always know what's behind it but glad that wallpaper is masking it anyway . today i'm worried sick about him. when my cell goes off late at night, my heart jumps every time, fearing the worst.or i would just suddenly wake up middle of the night thinking i heard the phone ring when it hadn't.

well i guess that's just how life works. as much as you'd like, it doesn't come with a manual. you learn as you go along,picking up pieces. more than anything, i have learnt that when people we love make choices, we don't always understand them. their actions may hurt us but we can go on loving them just the same. it isn't a matter of comprehension. it's forgiveness. it's simply that.

half of my heart

what i'm listening to these days..if you listen carefully you will be able to read between the lines, an amazing song from a guy i'm not too crazy about personally.but the guy's got some real talent in him. gotta give credit.

catch 22

i keep telling myself it's okay to be willing to give up everything you have just so to get something you want so bad. but isnt that a catch 22? the things you are willing to lose are what define you,setting you apart from everyone else. you lose them, you lose yourself. just like a catch 22.

perceptions

the perceptions i stood by have always changed from time to time. may be its something that happens inevitably as you grow older.or may be they are just resulting in from the multitude of changes taken place in my life over the years. not all of these changes were asked for.just a handful of them. to be more specific, most have brought me tears and caused pain. but i seem to have ignored the few grateful ones which have brought me nothing but blissful joy. because i can be such a big time worrier (is that a word? )sometimes i forget to appreciate and celebrate these little joys in my life. as i'm writing this, it sounds so simple. but how did i miss that?

"A" friend

recently i lost contact with a close friend for reasons beyond my control, which is a another story in itself. she was resorted to move temporarily to the country where she grew up in but promised she would be back by the end of summer. she needed the break. i miss her everyday, she was my confidante and my partner in crime so to speak. so as the days are passing by, I'm beginning to think we are just drifting apart. we try to stay in touch on fb & email but i have seen a gradual change. i cant seem to open up to her anymore. it has probably got to do with me more than on her part, i feel guilty about that.i just have to see where things are with us when she gets back.i want to be able to pick up from where we left off. i don't know why i feel so awkward about the whole thing. why is it something i had been so comfortable with, have suddenly turned so complicated?

my kids & i were watching reba, and this song came on.just couldn't stop listening...

behind closed doors..

holding back tears
to no avail
they roll down
suppressing sobs
digging deep
spilling onto the pillow

in presence of the world
hiding behind
the pretentious smiles
painting the scars of pain

behind closed doors
amidst the chaos
seek refuge
into the long night
pain gushing out
like a teary flood

relationships in a diagram

i remember studying them in school. while the venn diagram is used here as a simple device to reveal essential aspects of most intimate relationships, i try to think where i'd place mine in it. i keep going from one to the other. what if the two bubbles are completely overlapped? would it define a perfect relationship, metaphorically?

chit chat with dad

on most days our phone conversations would turn into something like this..

me: so how are you doing? what have you been doing?

i feel a lot better. a lot. i think i'm all okay now. are you coming down soon?

me:may be by the end of the year. i dont know yet. you still have to take your meds. you know that,right?

they are taken of, i'm doing a lot better now. when are you coming down again?

me:i dont know yet, may be at end of the year. i'll let you know okay?

i may start work again soon. did you send my stationary? oh i forgot to ask you..when are you coming down again?

me:but amma tells me you still havent used the stuff i sent last time.do you need anything else?

oh yes, i forgot. ha ha. i forget a little bit. so when are you coming down again?



sigh :(

amma

Last time I spoke with her, I hung up on her. Something I never have done before.Well..may be just once. But I had to. I would have exploded otherwise. I didn't care who was around me, I lost it, completely. I wasn't mad, but I was really hurt. So much. Had I been mad, it would have been so much easier to digest later on ,but when you're hurt by someone you trust got your back, it bites. Is there another feeling worse than that? Don't think so. I didn't realize I was being so emotional & crying my eyes out until my kids started to knock on the door. I was still a mess long after I hung up.

I have always been the one to rescue anyone in my family, regardless of how much their actions have hurt me in the past. I was the safety net. I dont know how I eneded up with the thorny title, but I just woke up one day with it like an invisible tat. I have lost count how many times I've acted on that. But somewhere along our family drama, I (my feelings)get overlooked & taken granted. Probably an unconscious action on her side, but rather a doubtful one on my sister's side. I need her to show me she cares & sympathize with my problems,just as much as my sister's hasty decisions have gotten them in the mess they are in right now. I can't be the problem solver all the time. Don't I get a break? I would never be older for her love & compassion too. How can she not get that?

seeing ants....

..tiptoeing a trail of some uninvited ants under a kerosene lit lamp with my Dad. yes, now that I think back, that has got to be my earliest memory of my childhood. It was just after sun down and my Dad had found the ants crawling into a space in the kitchen and wanted to show us. I was probably around 3 years old, and my sister, barely a year older. I don't think we had electricity (or running water) in that house. Being so small at the time, I don't really remember all the details but it was very small with a built in lattice front porch. We were just thrilled to see the ants crawling patiently one after the other, and we just couldn't hide our excitement. Were they red or black ants? I wish I'd remembered, not that it matters. As we got closer to the end of ants trail, the flame of the lamp burnt the inside of my sister's arm. She probably winced in pain, the memory is so vague & it's all patchy in my head so I don't remember everything now. She carried the scar well into her teens it would ignite our conversations over the ant story all over again. It was something we always connected without any effort, those moments were hard to come by especially when we were both teenagers.We fought an awful lot :(

The only surviving pictures taken in that house are neatly stashed away in a family album back home in Sri Lanka. My mom dressed beautifully in a Saree and looking so young & pretty & slim, my dad in pants & a button down shirt and my sister and I dressed in look-alike dresses sitting on the bar in our lattice front porch, with the biggest grins we all could muster. Now it feels like a lifetime ago....

what matters the most?

this quick post was prompted after a chain email i found in my in box. i ususally ignore emails of that nature but for some reason i'm going against my own rules.

we spend our lives thinking way too much about the time we have left but we forget to live in the moment,live now. we get so wrapped up with storms in our lives, sometimes it's hard to see things with a real perspective. what matters the most to you? sure, for most people like me, its the loved ones in our lives. well if you haven't any, may be this will ground you to question yourself why. how would you lead a life that puts a great deal of emphasis on what matters? since i can't speak for anyone else, for me it would be making time for what matters.

making those difficult decisions i have been avoiding in a round-about way and getting rid of ones that doesn't matter.that may not be always easy but it matters. whether we have 6 months or 60 years left, in the blink of an eye everything we think we have time for could be gone. makes sense?

catch up..

I haven't gotten around to write much anything in a while. Much of what's already written down here hasn't changed a whole lot despite my best efforts , and so rehashing things didn't seem like a good idea. It also has a tendency to tear down my mental well being, so why go there?

Well at least things are getting quieter back home, may be my last trip down there helped. My father seems a little more relaxed and aware. And surprisingly, doesn't act out as much. He still gets into occasional flare ups with my mother,but as the day dwindles he forgets them all on his own. And my mother appreciates these quiet nights. But it's hard not knowing when all this would all go away or if at all. Imagine living with someone like that 24/7?

I'm sure this is not what she envisioned for herself when they first got married and even after all these years she still continues to ride it out. Her endurance & unbelievable compassion is such an inspiration. She definitely has set the bar so high, now my kids have given me the chance to attempt to accomplish what my mother does very best, unconditional love. I don't want to fail.

The road less travelled....

..I cant find words to tell you how much i have embraced the poem. the paralles between my life & the writings are just beyond your comprehension.
so i wait...

How often we must bear the challenges of life;
The endless roller coaster between happiness and sorrow;
The constant ups and downs of daily strife.
And always the question remains .... why?

Life is not an easy road for most;
It twists and turns with many forks in the road,
Although always, and inevitably, we are given a choice ...

Do we turn to the right ... or the left?
Do we take the high road ... or the low road?
Do we take the easy path ... or the difficult one?

Decisions are not easy for those struggling for direction ...
And sometimes the many choices and signs become overwhelming.

While standing at a crossroads in life,
The urge is to take the most comfortable path;
The road with least resistance ...
The shortest or most traveled route.

And yet, if we've been down that comfortable road before;
Have gleaned its lessons in life, and learned from our experiences;

Do we yet again follow the known?
Or does our destiny lie in another direction?

The fear of the road less traveled is tangible and all too real;
It manifests itself in many ways,
And tends to cloud the issues that might otherwise be clear.

It is in these times of confusion,
That we must seek peace and solitude;

Time to contemplate on our life,
Our experiences and our choices past;
Time to look back, and reflect on what we have learned
Without fear or confusion.

For only each of us knows our own personal thoughts;
Our unique past and personal history;
The experiences that brought us to the crossroads we now face.

We can always learn a small degree from others experiences,
And yet ... no one person can walk in our shoes,
Others know not, the trials and tribulations faced in private ...

For each is individual ... unique ... and personal.

And that is why ... while standing at a crossroads,
Only "we" can formulate the decision for ourselves;
The true direction that lies within;
The choices we must deliberate on with clarity and wisdom.

For it is only through personal reflection,
That we can now choose our destiny;

... Our next adventure;
... And the future we will embrace.

(by Kit McCallum)

Roller Coaster ride(s)

Up and down and all around
Down and up, back again
Never a smooth or easy ride
Life’s sudden emotions
Are a roller coaster ride

Getting motion sick
From the ups and downs
Birth and joy
Death and distress
Pleasure and pain
But no apparent gain
Oh what a damn mess!

Hard to not lose hope
That the good and bad
Really do balance out
At the very end

Just better to enjoy the joy
In the enjoyment you have
While it lingers and lasts
Savoring every last moment
Knowing very well
It won’t last forever
But will return instead

The joyful secret is always
When?
Probably soon or maybe not
(By Bill Cottringer)


need i say more?