floodgates

..flashbacks of random memories just keep flooding back, constantly beckoning with glimpses of the past. it keeps me up all night. for the longest time, i kept shoving them somewhere in my soul not wanting to succumb to any. why would i ? many of them don’t invoke much happiness. somehow they hv now made their way back into my head like an unwanted guest. i carry a lot of guilt around for not being there to help them out now more than ever , physically & emotionally. it’s a feeling i cant describe..just dark & hollow. yet the same time im kind of relieved that im not there to see whats unfolding. seems very selfish. i think in a subtle way or another we (i) interpret what has been endured, through the kind of people we become. well..atleast i know i have.

top of the list..

..only a handful of things have shown the potential to bring happiness in my life. my kids would definitely steal the top spot on that brief list. well..they are great kids. may be thats such a cliche every parent throws in, but seriously i marvel at how well they have turn out in spite of my emotional downpour along the way. knock on wood. you know every time i look at them, they give me this incredible feeling, i have at least got a few things right in my life. no doubt other parents out there can relate to me. i try to raise them smart & well rounded/grounded.
i may not possess the typical mom cutout personality. i try to be brutally honest with my kids as much as i can push it, even if it diminishes their hopes of getting a gift from tooth fairy or running into santa claus some day. or even depriving them from getting something (these days its hsm & webkinz stuff) just because all cool kids in school have it. no nonsense, no fairy fibbing. they dont fly with me. but they get more than their fair share of toys & whatnot's just like every other kid here in the neighborhood just minus the fibbing & nonsense. so far they have responded reasonably well in my favor ..who knows maybe i just got lucky.

ramblings

..start of another week's here. i don't know what it is, but i have been feeling kind of... weird. you know ..sad/not so sad/bizarre/complexed.. may be even incongruous. ha! funny, i didn't even know the existence of such word until a prof. in uni brought it up a few years ago! and now it just slipped out as if i had known it all my life. but it pretty much sums it up.

anyways..i realize i feel kind of abandoned by my husband (i'll call him G from now on) at the same time too, house work is mounting up and i am left alone to tackle everything from kids,school,work & other errands.clearly he can see i could use some help around but he acts oblivious to the whole thing! i have been on his case (ok i nag..who doesn't? ) to give up smoking for a while now and i think i lost it last night when i heard his cigarette cough. maybe i shouldnt have brought it up the first thing on a monday morning, but i did! a brief unpleasant moment later, he left for work banging the door behind him, leaving me even more frustrated. i feel that my life is being directed by my family obligations,work & endless errands, while he gets to go out after work to enjoy a drink with his buddies. totally not fair!! i could just go on and on about this, but the way i see it, the light at the end of the tunnel is too damn far away! maybe this post is really just an excuse to vent out..

also my dad's b'day is coming up soon,im sure he's not aware of it, but im going to call & wish him a happy birthday anyway.

ironic

..its been 3 or 4 days since i last called home. as much as i'd want to check in on my parents, i dread what im going to be filled in on. its always something. maybe im just being selfish & trying to run away. well..who wouldnt? its a lot to wrap my head around in...every time i drop the phone down,i slip into my crappy-depressed mood. not pretty. it takes a lot of work to fight off the uneasy feelings, but i think i have a better grasp of things than i had in the past. i digress.

today's call to sri lanka was no different. the situation has not changed. in fact its gotten much worse since i last heard. my mother cant get out of the house even for an errand without his "permission". she's now trapped in the house,captivated by my father,who's now partly blind and ironically, depends on her to get on with just about anything in his daily life. how twisted is that? i was quick to blame his recent erratic behavior on the medication,since his doctor switched some meds around on the last visit. but i can hear the pain in my mother's voice and it kills me to no end that she cant ever get a break. my father sounds lucid for the most part when i talk to him. he's consciously aware of his surroundings, although he still rambles some stuff here & there. if you talk to him for a while, you'd think he's just another normal person,just eager to recover. but in reality, he just despises my mother! he flares up at the slightest thing & calls her names & accuses her of unthinkable. it gets so loud at times, she tells me, that you could just hear his rantings all the way down the street.

..just when i was sighing things seem a less chaotic, out comes another blow shredding my hopes into tiny little pieces. ...maybe i already knew it in my heart that things wouldnt stay calmer for long as it had been and it would be only a matter of time before it all falls apart again. i dont know when & how things will end, nor do i have all the answers figured out, but for the first time in a long time, i feel its going to be ok. we have got it down to a pattern, may be not your usual one, but we just need to hang in there...just hang in there..

2009

..as the numbers on the clock slowly pushed their way towards the midnight on the new years eve, a dazzling display of fireworks filled up the night sky, piercing the coldness in the air. the dawn of the new year was quietly welcomed in our house by lighting a lamp for buddha. i try to keep up with the sri lankan traditions here & there but mostly at my convenience. barely five minutes into lighting up the lamp, i caught my youngest playing with the dancing flame and decided to blow it out. so much for keeping up with traditions. woke up late and decided to skip on making kiribath - a traditional sri lankan breakfast made with rice & milk. oh well.. i'd be lucky to sneak in some kiribath to my kids with their fascination with hakuru anyway. (jaggary - chunks made out of sap of a palm tree or treacle)

i have never been the one to buy into the new year hype, much less to honor new year resolutions,. so to save myself the invaine trouble, no vows were made this year. its just as easy to break resolutions as making them, so i really dont see the point. i'd rather revolutionize the bad energy & melancholy that seem to have engulf my life lately, into something positive. so here i am gearing up for all the life's surprises waiting to thrust upon me in the new year....i'd say, bring it on..!!