eric clapton's song (below)struck a particular cord in me.. my relationship with my father got tarnished along the way, there were a lot of reasons. although i blamed his erratic behavior for our family's instability, a apart of me secretly kind of adored him too.
he was a sensational writer, he wrote phenomenal poems, short stories, some freelancing here & there. he always encouraged us to read & learn about the world around us. he would quizz our knowledge in world capitals & made sure we knew how to map in other countries. even to this day, i cannot help but think it was him who got me interested in the outside world. we always dared us to think out of the box. he'd say "dont be like frogs living in a well". its a popular sri lankan saying which depicts being conscious of the greater world around you.its funny how much you remember sayings like that now, back then we would just laugh it off. sometimes i'd throw these sayings at my kids when im mad about something, the bewildered looks on their innocent faces crack me up everytime.
there was a period i never even talked to him, i was so ashamed of the things he'd done. i was angry that my childhood memories were always clouded with his infidelity. over the years, i learnt to forgive him & let things fall where they may.
he had his first stroke a couple of years ago which left him about 70% crippled, my strong willed mother helped him get through the difficult times. he was making pretty good recovery when another stroke left him 90% blind, just a couple of months ago. today he's one helpless man. and it just breaks my heart and to see him in this state & my pain is just indescribable.
life flows in some mysterious ways. growing up i spent most of the years, just despising him. sometimes i even wished for a different kind of a father. but little did i know that the joke was on me the whole time.... anger & frustration left me spent. it consumed my energy. today he can't even remember most of the stuff much less his past.
now i spend my days worrying over the same man, whom i despised growing up. asking for his forgiveness is the easy part, forgiving my self is the hardest of all.....
