..its been 3 or 4 days since i last called home. as much as i'd want to check in on my parents, i dread what im going to be filled in on. its always something. maybe im just being selfish & trying to run away. well..who wouldnt? its a lot to wrap my head around in...every time i drop the phone down,i slip into my crappy-depressed mood. not pretty. it takes a lot of work to fight off the uneasy feelings, but i think i have a better grasp of things than i had in the past. i digress.
today's call to sri lanka was no different. the situation has not changed. in fact its gotten much worse since i last heard. my mother cant get out of the house even for an errand without his "permission". she's now trapped in the house,captivated by my father,who's now partly blind and ironically, depends on her to get on with just about anything in his daily life. how twisted is that? i was quick to blame his recent erratic behavior on the medication,since his doctor switched some meds around on the last visit. but i can hear the pain in my mother's voice and it kills me to no end that she cant ever get a break. my father sounds lucid for the most part when i talk to him. he's consciously aware of his surroundings, although he still rambles some stuff here & there. if you talk to him for a while, you'd think he's just another normal person,just eager to recover. but in reality, he just despises my mother! he flares up at the slightest thing & calls her names & accuses her of unthinkable. it gets so loud at times, she tells me, that you could just hear his rantings all the way down the street.
..just when i was sighing things seem a less chaotic, out comes another blow shredding my hopes into tiny little pieces. ...maybe i already knew it in my heart that things wouldnt stay calmer for long as it had been and it would be only a matter of time before it all falls apart again. i dont know when & how things will end, nor do i have all the answers figured out, but for the first time in a long time, i feel its going to be ok. we have got it down to a pattern, may be not your usual one, but we just need to hang in there...just hang in there..
