forgiven....

when i was little, there were a lot of things going on in my family that i really didn't understand. no matter how much i would try, i just couldn't wrap my little head around it. sometimes i would ask my sister but being just an year older than me, she was often just as clueless. when i finally became old enough to understand the reality of the situation, i despised everything i found out. i wanted no part of it, just wanted everything to go back to normal like our neighbours around us. not an easy thing to do when you grow up in a small urban town where people like to be in everyone else's business. i remember the stares we would get when we walk up the street to get on the school bus.funny how i could read people just by a casual stare directed at you. something i'm still remarkably good at even now. i digress. more than anything i despised him. i was angry that he didn't care what it would mean to us. why couldn't he be like our friends fathers who were just normal and devoted? but there were a few times i would just soften up & feel bad for him too , because somewhere in the back of head i knew the whole situation was killing him inside and it couldnt be easy to have everyone else judge you.

over the years i learnt a lot & even have gotten around to forgive him for everything. i don't mean to be heartless when i say this but..although he's sick today, he probably has it easier than any three of us because he can't remember most, if not all of it. he's being showing signs of Alzheimer's, a common form of Dementia which he was diagnosed soon after the stroke.
it's like when you patch up a messy wall with some soothing wallpaper to cover the dirt,but you always know what's behind it but glad that wallpaper is masking it anyway . today i'm worried sick about him. when my cell goes off late at night, my heart jumps every time, fearing the worst.or i would just suddenly wake up middle of the night thinking i heard the phone ring when it hadn't.

well i guess that's just how life works. as much as you'd like, it doesn't come with a manual. you learn as you go along,picking up pieces. more than anything, i have learnt that when people we love make choices, we don't always understand them. their actions may hurt us but we can go on loving them just the same. it isn't a matter of comprehension. it's forgiveness. it's simply that.