landslide

stevie nicks might have had meant it to be an abstract song with obvious references thrown in here & there. she wouldn't have known how much it was going to resonate with other people, let alone how many variations would eventually spill out of what it actually conveyed.

that's the beauty of songs you love. you find solace within to help through the times. you allow it to be whatever you want it to be. it's only yours to keep. this is mine.

another year...

i'm debating if i ought to catch up or just start from right here right now. either way i have had a lot of time to reflect on things. since i've started to work out of home reducing my hours just enough to stay within part time wage, house gets awfully quiet around this time of the day with no one to barge in on me,giving me plenty of time to do just that. the battles that had me raging on my head seem to disintegrate little by little. i allow things to roll off my back more easily now,something i have been struggling to do for a long time..
so contrary to all the hype, absolutely no new year resolutions, no goals to achieve, no dreams to manifest, just boldly taking life one day at a time..



"there are only two ways to live your life. one is as though nothing is a miracle.the other is as though everything is a miracle" Einstein said that.

play along

sometimes the people you care about the most can also bring out the worst in you. case in point,my parents. just when you think things are getting be a little quaint, here they go at it again. they argue over everything. silly things like who gets to watch what's on tv or even who gets to talk to me first when i call can make them go insane. and did i mention the bickering? i can pick up on the resentment in my mother's voice thousand miles away. whatever she does nowadays is never good enough for my father and i'm not sure if she will ever measure up in his eyes period. so the slightest thing can set him off & there's always plenty to whine about. all i can do is listen while they vent. the speaker option helps too.

since she has tolerated beyond her share of anguish over the years, she doesn't feel the need to go out of her way just to make him happy anymore. from where she's sitting, he hasn't really redeemed himself. he has done pretty outrageous things through the years making us all go down with him. now that i think about it, it's a wonder he didn't land in jail much less getting beaten and lay in a ditch somewhere. as anonymous as i can roam on the periphery of my own blog, i still cant get myself to write about some of the things he's done. not out of respect for him but for her. so as sad it is, i see her point but her timing seems way off.

the irony is, with him losing his memory in a gradual phase, he doesn't remember all that much. unless you talk to him about something, he may be able to piece some events here & there but not cohesive enough to carry on a conversation. i dont mind repeating myself every 2 minutes or not take it personally when he can't come up with my childrens' names. i know enough to play along not to make him feel offended.after all what good can come out of going over things he doesn't even remember committing? this is what she's up against. she's going up against a shell of a man deemed with a horrible past and who never stood the chance at redemption. now what good can come out of that? not something i want to be in the middle of.

the other part..

according to most of our friends & family, how my husband & i met, is something predestined and a great love story in itself. maybe they are just a little prejudiced. we were very young, it was a little before my fifteenth b'day when a mutual friend introduced us at another friends'b'day party (sounds so cliche,but true) . he was only a year and a half older than me. so you do the math. well..at fifteen years old (or 14 if you want to be politically correct), you don't even know who you are much less about real love.but you love feeling butterflies in your stomach and get all giddy and mistake the sensation for love. been there,done that. the charming personality he possessed capable of winning anyone over was an added bonus. somehow he never really impressed me all that much.besides the initial attraction, there wasn't a whole lot to hold on to. as naive as i was then, i figured that much early. does it really matter at 15? you know the answer.
funny how early i started making up excuses for things that doesn't resonate with. looking back i can dissect it into million ways today.but i was only 15 & it wasn't like i was going to get married to him. well, little did i know! we hung out a little bit whenever i could lie and get away from my parents strict supervision radar. benefit movie screenings for school fundraisers, fairs, b'day parties and going shopping with friends were my usual sugarcoated lies. most of them worked,it gave such a rush every time. it was all fun but short lived. about 6 or 7 months into our puppy love, the overseas scholarship he'd been waiting for came through and he left the country within a matter of weeks. as heartbroken as i was, my walls were way up and pretended i was fine. so we were resorted to go out our separate ways & we both moved on. that was the end of our part one.

the part two didn't start until i was about 20 or so when i heard from him again. he'd just come back & found out where i worked and called me at work one day.sure, it took me by surprise but we had lots of mutual friends by then and one of them could have easily passed on my work number. he then showed up at work the week after. i was working at a large public venue just outside colombo. i was used to running into people i know on a daily basis , so running into him at work was not really a big deal.at least it wasn't to me. he said he came with a friend and we stuck up a brief conversation ,an awkward one to say the least. i was trying to be polite and looking for getaway excuse. what do you say to an ex boyfriend you haven't seen over 5 years? it struck me as odd, too much to be a coincidence, but i brushed it off. i had completely gotten over him and had no idea what was in store for me.

over the next weeks he picked up the pace and started calling me often. my home number hadn't changed since the last time, and sometimes he'd call me at home as well. he seemed like a completely different person from last time around. for the better, of course. we caught up on the gaps we missed out on,laughed over stuff from our past and made fun of each other. reminiscing sounded fun.we both shared the same sick sense of humor and i eased out on my self developed defenses and let him in. so i decided to give it another go when he'd finally brought up the subject. when people ask me what made it happen the second time around, i say i felt secured & safe with him. and that was the truth. may be it was the comfort of already knowing part of him. like when you know you are safe with someone, you just feel it instinctively. that gut feeling. i think as women we tend to seek security in a relationship and sometimes the actual state of being loved can easily get overlooked. it doesn't seem as important. that's the only way i know how to interpret what led me. coming from a somewhat dysfunctional family (to put it mildly), feeling secured was way more fulfilling than anything.i wanted that sense of security.it all made sense. so what if we don't agree on a few things and he can come off a little controlling or even condescending? or like when he tells me its black when i know its white. so what if we fight over stuff so much when its all done and over with, we don't even remember what we were arguing about in the first place. so what if he makes me feel a little inferior at times? my family history validates it, right? you can look & search until your eyes hurt but we all know there's no perfect relationship out there. every relationship is flawed, it's how you make it work that counts, everything's going to be okay, i kept telling myself.

to fast forward the story, he met my parents a while later & we got married when i was 23. here we are now, years later. still riding out the storms. seemingly endless at that. when someone tells me how rare to have found your life partner when you were fifteen, i give them an acknowledging smile and thank them politely. when you're married, it is expected. you've got to keep your dirt behind closed doors,under lock and all.

but what i don't tell them is that i met the only love of my life,who i rarely talk about, gave him up during the 5 year lapse between these parts of one & two. my biggest regret to date, which covers my real story - the other part. only if they knew......

forgiven....

when i was little, there were a lot of things going on in my family that i really didn't understand. no matter how much i would try, i just couldn't wrap my little head around it. sometimes i would ask my sister but being just an year older than me, she was often just as clueless. when i finally became old enough to understand the reality of the situation, i despised everything i found out. i wanted no part of it, just wanted everything to go back to normal like our neighbours around us. not an easy thing to do when you grow up in a small urban town where people like to be in everyone else's business. i remember the stares we would get when we walk up the street to get on the school bus.funny how i could read people just by a casual stare directed at you. something i'm still remarkably good at even now. i digress. more than anything i despised him. i was angry that he didn't care what it would mean to us. why couldn't he be like our friends fathers who were just normal and devoted? but there were a few times i would just soften up & feel bad for him too , because somewhere in the back of head i knew the whole situation was killing him inside and it couldnt be easy to have everyone else judge you.

over the years i learnt a lot & even have gotten around to forgive him for everything. i don't mean to be heartless when i say this but..although he's sick today, he probably has it easier than any three of us because he can't remember most, if not all of it. he's being showing signs of Alzheimer's, a common form of Dementia which he was diagnosed soon after the stroke.
it's like when you patch up a messy wall with some soothing wallpaper to cover the dirt,but you always know what's behind it but glad that wallpaper is masking it anyway . today i'm worried sick about him. when my cell goes off late at night, my heart jumps every time, fearing the worst.or i would just suddenly wake up middle of the night thinking i heard the phone ring when it hadn't.

well i guess that's just how life works. as much as you'd like, it doesn't come with a manual. you learn as you go along,picking up pieces. more than anything, i have learnt that when people we love make choices, we don't always understand them. their actions may hurt us but we can go on loving them just the same. it isn't a matter of comprehension. it's forgiveness. it's simply that.

half of my heart

what i'm listening to these days..if you listen carefully you will be able to read between the lines, an amazing song from a guy i'm not too crazy about personally.but the guy's got some real talent in him. gotta give credit.

catch 22

i keep telling myself it's okay to be willing to give up everything you have just so to get something you want so bad. but isnt that a catch 22? the things you are willing to lose are what define you,setting you apart from everyone else. you lose them, you lose yourself. just like a catch 22.

perceptions

the perceptions i stood by have always changed from time to time. may be its something that happens inevitably as you grow older.or may be they are just resulting in from the multitude of changes taken place in my life over the years. not all of these changes were asked for.just a handful of them. to be more specific, most have brought me tears and caused pain. but i seem to have ignored the few grateful ones which have brought me nothing but blissful joy. because i can be such a big time worrier (is that a word? )sometimes i forget to appreciate and celebrate these little joys in my life. as i'm writing this, it sounds so simple. but how did i miss that?

behind closed doors..

holding back tears
to no avail
they roll down
suppressing sobs
digging deep
spilling onto the pillow

in presence of the world
hiding behind
the pretentious smiles
painting the scars of pain

behind closed doors
amidst the chaos
seek refuge
into the long night
pain gushing out
like a teary flood

chit chat with dad

on most days our phone conversations would turn into something like this..

me: so how are you doing? what have you been doing?

i feel a lot better. a lot. i think i'm all okay now. are you coming down soon?

me:may be by the end of the year. i dont know yet. you still have to take your meds. you know that,right?

they are taken of, i'm doing a lot better now. when are you coming down again?

me:i dont know yet, may be at end of the year. i'll let you know okay?

i may start work again soon. did you send my stationary? oh i forgot to ask you..when are you coming down again?

me:but amma tells me you still havent used the stuff i sent last time.do you need anything else?

oh yes, i forgot. ha ha. i forget a little bit. so when are you coming down again?



sigh :(

amma

Last time I spoke with her, I hung up on her. Something I never have done before.Well..may be just once. But I had to. I would have exploded otherwise. I didn't care who was around me, I lost it, completely. I wasn't mad, but I was really hurt. So much. Had I been mad, it would have been so much easier to digest later on ,but when you're hurt by someone you trust got your back, it bites. Is there another feeling worse than that? Don't think so. I didn't realize I was being so emotional & crying my eyes out until my kids started to knock on the door. I was still a mess long after I hung up.

I have always been the one to rescue anyone in my family, regardless of how much their actions have hurt me in the past. I was the safety net. I dont know how I eneded up with the thorny title, but I just woke up one day with it like an invisible tat. I have lost count how many times I've acted on that. But somewhere along our family drama, I (my feelings)get overlooked & taken granted. Probably an unconscious action on her side, but rather a doubtful one on my sister's side. I need her to show me she cares & sympathize with my problems,just as much as my sister's hasty decisions have gotten them in the mess they are in right now. I can't be the problem solver all the time. Don't I get a break? I would never be older for her love & compassion too. How can she not get that?

what matters the most?

this quick post was prompted after a chain email i found in my in box. i ususally ignore emails of that nature but for some reason i'm going against my own rules.

we spend our lives thinking way too much about the time we have left but we forget to live in the moment,live now. we get so wrapped up with storms in our lives, sometimes it's hard to see things with a real perspective. what matters the most to you? sure, for most people like me, its the loved ones in our lives. well if you haven't any, may be this will ground you to question yourself why. how would you lead a life that puts a great deal of emphasis on what matters? since i can't speak for anyone else, for me it would be making time for what matters.

making those difficult decisions i have been avoiding in a round-about way and getting rid of ones that doesn't matter.that may not be always easy but it matters. whether we have 6 months or 60 years left, in the blink of an eye everything we think we have time for could be gone. makes sense?

catch up..

I haven't gotten around to write much anything in a while. Much of what's already written down here hasn't changed a whole lot despite my best efforts , and so rehashing things didn't seem like a good idea. It also has a tendency to tear down my mental well being, so why go there?

Well at least things are getting quieter back home, may be my last trip down there helped. My father seems a little more relaxed and aware. And surprisingly, doesn't act out as much. He still gets into occasional flare ups with my mother,but as the day dwindles he forgets them all on his own. And my mother appreciates these quiet nights. But it's hard not knowing when all this would all go away or if at all. Imagine living with someone like that 24/7?

I'm sure this is not what she envisioned for herself when they first got married and even after all these years she still continues to ride it out. Her endurance & unbelievable compassion is such an inspiration. She definitely has set the bar so high, now my kids have given me the chance to attempt to accomplish what my mother does very best, unconditional love. I don't want to fail.

life spells

i learnt pretty early on things aren't always what they really seem. yet every time something doesn’t turn out the way it should, it hurts. i should be immune to this stuff by now, instead of setting myself up for disappointment over & over. why does it always begin to feel familiar like the back of my hand before it blows up in my face ? man i tell you.. that invisible glimmer of hope can be so convincing at first & damningly misleading at the end. may be some things are just meant to be the way they are. laws of cause & effect are teasing me? it just sucks i might not find out until some time later...

ok..

i woke up restless. i just knew something wasnt right. called home at the crack of dawn, it turns out he needs a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation done asap. he needs to be watched up close. dr's fear he could unconsciously harm someone around him. "they think its me" , my mother explains quietly, the pain & confusion is so intense i could almost feel it through the line. she's helpless at this point, she just wants to hear me say ok, almost like an alibi, i think. i've heard people say that when you run out of options, you get backed into a wall. i think we may just have stepped into one.. as much as i dread, saving him (mentally) is out of my hands..but i can still save her. and i say ok. so the waiting begins, all over again..

grown up baby steps..

things have improved dramatically. we have been looking past the big elephant looming in front of our eyes for way too long. neither of us wanted to go there. but now i think we both have realized just like any other relationship, ours needs investing. be it time or just little random things, but a genuine effort at that.
we are working things out, just one step at a time. grown up baby steps as my bff jokes :) some days we can see things clearly forever and then some days i just want to kick him you know where. all in all, it boils down to .. i can just sit around all day moping and pitying me or i can get right back up and move on and do the best i can. well i don’t know how things will play out in future but all i can do now is to be absorbed in the present. not to dwell in the past. the willingness to try is, love itself, right? well i think so.

Layers..

a friend sent me this short poem on fb, and now i cant get it off my mind. (its my day off!) what other possible way could i find some tranquility in life especially at a time when my head knows not to go back, but my heart is being tugged & twisted.


"The Layers" ~ Stanley Kunitz

I have walked through many lives,
some of them my own,
and I am not who I was,
though some principle of being abides
from which I struggle
not to stray.

When I look behind,
as I am compelled to look
before I can gather strength
to proceed on my journey,
I see the milestones dwindling
toward the horizon
and the slow fires trailing
from the abandoned camp-sites,
over which scavenger angels
wheel on heavy wings.

Oh, I have made myself a tribe
out of my true affections,
and my tribe is scattered!
How shall the heart be reconciled
to its feast of losses?

In a rising wind
the manic dust of my friends,
those who fell along the way,
bitterly stings my face.
Yet I turn, I turn,
exulting somewhat,
with my will intact to go
wherever I need to go,
and every stone on the road is precious to me.

In my darkest night,
when the moon was covered
and I roamed through wreckage,
a nimbus-clouded voice
directed me:
"Live in the layers,
not on the litter."

Though I lack the art
to decipher it,
no doubt the next chapter
in my book of transformations
is already written.
I am not done with my changes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I'm too not done with my changes,something tells me more awaits...

ramblings

..start of another week's here. i don't know what it is, but i have been feeling kind of... weird. you know ..sad/not so sad/bizarre/complexed.. may be even incongruous. ha! funny, i didn't even know the existence of such word until a prof. in uni brought it up a few years ago! and now it just slipped out as if i had known it all my life. but it pretty much sums it up.

anyways..i realize i feel kind of abandoned by my husband (i'll call him G from now on) at the same time too, house work is mounting up and i am left alone to tackle everything from kids,school,work & other errands.clearly he can see i could use some help around but he acts oblivious to the whole thing! i have been on his case (ok i nag..who doesn't? ) to give up smoking for a while now and i think i lost it last night when i heard his cigarette cough. maybe i shouldnt have brought it up the first thing on a monday morning, but i did! a brief unpleasant moment later, he left for work banging the door behind him, leaving me even more frustrated. i feel that my life is being directed by my family obligations,work & endless errands, while he gets to go out after work to enjoy a drink with his buddies. totally not fair!! i could just go on and on about this, but the way i see it, the light at the end of the tunnel is too damn far away! maybe this post is really just an excuse to vent out..

also my dad's b'day is coming up soon,im sure he's not aware of it, but im going to call & wish him a happy birthday anyway.

ironic

..its been 3 or 4 days since i last called home. as much as i'd want to check in on my parents, i dread what im going to be filled in on. its always something. maybe im just being selfish & trying to run away. well..who wouldnt? its a lot to wrap my head around in...every time i drop the phone down,i slip into my crappy-depressed mood. not pretty. it takes a lot of work to fight off the uneasy feelings, but i think i have a better grasp of things than i had in the past. i digress.

today's call to sri lanka was no different. the situation has not changed. in fact its gotten much worse since i last heard. my mother cant get out of the house even for an errand without his "permission". she's now trapped in the house,captivated by my father,who's now partly blind and ironically, depends on her to get on with just about anything in his daily life. how twisted is that? i was quick to blame his recent erratic behavior on the medication,since his doctor switched some meds around on the last visit. but i can hear the pain in my mother's voice and it kills me to no end that she cant ever get a break. my father sounds lucid for the most part when i talk to him. he's consciously aware of his surroundings, although he still rambles some stuff here & there. if you talk to him for a while, you'd think he's just another normal person,just eager to recover. but in reality, he just despises my mother! he flares up at the slightest thing & calls her names & accuses her of unthinkable. it gets so loud at times, she tells me, that you could just hear his rantings all the way down the street.

..just when i was sighing things seem a less chaotic, out comes another blow shredding my hopes into tiny little pieces. ...maybe i already knew it in my heart that things wouldnt stay calmer for long as it had been and it would be only a matter of time before it all falls apart again. i dont know when & how things will end, nor do i have all the answers figured out, but for the first time in a long time, i feel its going to be ok. we have got it down to a pattern, may be not your usual one, but we just need to hang in there...just hang in there..

2009

..as the numbers on the clock slowly pushed their way towards the midnight on the new years eve, a dazzling display of fireworks filled up the night sky, piercing the coldness in the air. the dawn of the new year was quietly welcomed in our house by lighting a lamp for buddha. i try to keep up with the sri lankan traditions here & there but mostly at my convenience. barely five minutes into lighting up the lamp, i caught my youngest playing with the dancing flame and decided to blow it out. so much for keeping up with traditions. woke up late and decided to skip on making kiribath - a traditional sri lankan breakfast made with rice & milk. oh well.. i'd be lucky to sneak in some kiribath to my kids with their fascination with hakuru anyway. (jaggary - chunks made out of sap of a palm tree or treacle)

i have never been the one to buy into the new year hype, much less to honor new year resolutions,. so to save myself the invaine trouble, no vows were made this year. its just as easy to break resolutions as making them, so i really dont see the point. i'd rather revolutionize the bad energy & melancholy that seem to have engulf my life lately, into something positive. so here i am gearing up for all the life's surprises waiting to thrust upon me in the new year....i'd say, bring it on..!!