things never said..

I don't know why I don't tell you these things when I talk to you. I take things for granted too easily with you, but you never seem to mind. I know I've never been the conservative or the traditional kind of daughter to you. When I look around I see mothers & daughters going on about their lives together, for a minute I forget what you have instilled in me, I look at them in envy. not in malicious way, but it's a kind of a yearning for what I don't have. I left you to raise a family of my own and built my own priorities. No matter how far you may be, I can feel you around me on good days and bad. It guilt's me so much for not being there with you and for you. But you never say a word or hold grudges.

Growing up I wondered why you always were so willing to settle for the second best in life, putting everyone else in front of you. I never said anything, even when I was old enough to understand. I took the easy way out, thought you wouldn't mind either way. Today I cringe at the thought because it would break my heart if mine ever didn't. Did it ever cross your mind? I couldn't tell because you never give anything away.

To this day, you are the ONLY person I know who loves me unconditionally. You believe in me even when I don't. You think the world of me and always proud to acknowledge me as a part of you. Your compassion is unparalleled. It amazes me how you do that without even skipping a heartbeat. I'm miles behind learning from you, and I try everyday because you never gave up.

Your love and resilience has carried me through this far. I owe it all to you. As much as I would love to say this in person, I would have to settle for a crappy roaming phone connection tommorow. I love you & miss you and hope you take some time off to enjoy the day. Happy Birthday Amma!

play along

sometimes the people you care about the most can also bring out the worst in you. case in point,my parents. just when you think things are getting be a little quaint, here they go at it again. they argue over everything. silly things like who gets to watch what's on tv or even who gets to talk to me first when i call can make them go insane. and did i mention the bickering? i can pick up on the resentment in my mother's voice thousand miles away. whatever she does nowadays is never good enough for my father and i'm not sure if she will ever measure up in his eyes period. so the slightest thing can set him off & there's always plenty to whine about. all i can do is listen while they vent. the speaker option helps too.

since she has tolerated beyond her share of anguish over the years, she doesn't feel the need to go out of her way just to make him happy anymore. from where she's sitting, he hasn't really redeemed himself. he has done pretty outrageous things through the years making us all go down with him. now that i think about it, it's a wonder he didn't land in jail much less getting beaten and lay in a ditch somewhere. as anonymous as i can roam on the periphery of my own blog, i still cant get myself to write about some of the things he's done. not out of respect for him but for her. so as sad it is, i see her point but her timing seems way off.

the irony is, with him losing his memory in a gradual phase, he doesn't remember all that much. unless you talk to him about something, he may be able to piece some events here & there but not cohesive enough to carry on a conversation. i dont mind repeating myself every 2 minutes or not take it personally when he can't come up with my childrens' names. i know enough to play along not to make him feel offended.after all what good can come out of going over things he doesn't even remember committing? this is what she's up against. she's going up against a shell of a man deemed with a horrible past and who never stood the chance at redemption. now what good can come out of that? not something i want to be in the middle of.

the male ego..

somewhere in the next few days my mother's taking some time off being couped up with daily chores in the house all day, leaving on a small vacation for a couple of days. she's been looking forward to this for months now and made preparations well ahead of time around the house.so every thing's in place. unbeknownst to me, the situation has stirred some drama in the house. as fragile as he is, my father still wants to run things around the house & doesn't want her to go. the exact reasons are kind of grainy, because he gives a different one every day, he's insinuating about crossing some unseen boundaries. now this cracks me up. ah ..the pathetic male ego! so i had to cut in to diffuse the situation, as usual. the fact that i live thousand miles apart is immaterial, i almost feel like they are in my house fighting in the other room. sometimes i have to play both roles of good & bad cop. not to overwhelm him, i downplayed the whole thing and made him see she needs the break more than anything. reluctantly he muttered something under his breath and i took it as a grunted approval. not that i needed his approval to begin with but i didn't want to hurt his feelings either.

not being the problem solver anymore is probably hitting him hard now that he's no longer able to get around as he used to. not being able to validate the his value as the caretaker in the relationship is probably eating him up inside too. if only he could see the insecurities in him. looking in from outside, i get all that . but is it fair to the other person? sometimes men get so caught up with their egoism they discount the value & strength of the other person in the relationship/marriage and miss the mark completely.
man..what is it with the male ego? what an interesting breed :)

amma

Last time I spoke with her, I hung up on her. Something I never have done before.Well..may be just once. But I had to. I would have exploded otherwise. I didn't care who was around me, I lost it, completely. I wasn't mad, but I was really hurt. So much. Had I been mad, it would have been so much easier to digest later on ,but when you're hurt by someone you trust got your back, it bites. Is there another feeling worse than that? Don't think so. I didn't realize I was being so emotional & crying my eyes out until my kids started to knock on the door. I was still a mess long after I hung up.

I have always been the one to rescue anyone in my family, regardless of how much their actions have hurt me in the past. I was the safety net. I dont know how I eneded up with the thorny title, but I just woke up one day with it like an invisible tat. I have lost count how many times I've acted on that. But somewhere along our family drama, I (my feelings)get overlooked & taken granted. Probably an unconscious action on her side, but rather a doubtful one on my sister's side. I need her to show me she cares & sympathize with my problems,just as much as my sister's hasty decisions have gotten them in the mess they are in right now. I can't be the problem solver all the time. Don't I get a break? I would never be older for her love & compassion too. How can she not get that?

catch up..

I haven't gotten around to write much anything in a while. Much of what's already written down here hasn't changed a whole lot despite my best efforts , and so rehashing things didn't seem like a good idea. It also has a tendency to tear down my mental well being, so why go there?

Well at least things are getting quieter back home, may be my last trip down there helped. My father seems a little more relaxed and aware. And surprisingly, doesn't act out as much. He still gets into occasional flare ups with my mother,but as the day dwindles he forgets them all on his own. And my mother appreciates these quiet nights. But it's hard not knowing when all this would all go away or if at all. Imagine living with someone like that 24/7?

I'm sure this is not what she envisioned for herself when they first got married and even after all these years she still continues to ride it out. Her endurance & unbelievable compassion is such an inspiration. She definitely has set the bar so high, now my kids have given me the chance to attempt to accomplish what my mother does very best, unconditional love. I don't want to fail.

ok..

i woke up restless. i just knew something wasnt right. called home at the crack of dawn, it turns out he needs a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation done asap. he needs to be watched up close. dr's fear he could unconsciously harm someone around him. "they think its me" , my mother explains quietly, the pain & confusion is so intense i could almost feel it through the line. she's helpless at this point, she just wants to hear me say ok, almost like an alibi, i think. i've heard people say that when you run out of options, you get backed into a wall. i think we may just have stepped into one.. as much as i dread, saving him (mentally) is out of my hands..but i can still save her. and i say ok. so the waiting begins, all over again..

yet another phase..

.."i just cant take this anymore..i dont know what else to do.." she sobs into the phone, i go speechless, my mind wandering for an answer. i dont have any. my mother has reached her limit. she cant take my father's insane remarks & insults anymore. he may be sick & blind now, but his temperament never ceases to surface.

i have always wondered how on earth she did it all this time. living with a man who never appreciates you, can be devastating. believe me, i know.

my mother's in her sixties now. she's never really been happy with her marriage to my father. i've always felt it, even as a little kid. but she endured every pain that came her way and protected us. today she's trapped in a place she desperately want to get out of, but in theory, its simply not viable. doesnt she deserve to be happy too?