amma

Last time I spoke with her, I hung up on her. Something I never have done before.Well..may be just once. But I had to. I would have exploded otherwise. I didn't care who was around me, I lost it, completely. I wasn't mad, but I was really hurt. So much. Had I been mad, it would have been so much easier to digest later on ,but when you're hurt by someone you trust got your back, it bites. Is there another feeling worse than that? Don't think so. I didn't realize I was being so emotional & crying my eyes out until my kids started to knock on the door. I was still a mess long after I hung up.

I have always been the one to rescue anyone in my family, regardless of how much their actions have hurt me in the past. I was the safety net. I dont know how I eneded up with the thorny title, but I just woke up one day with it like an invisible tat. I have lost count how many times I've acted on that. But somewhere along our family drama, I (my feelings)get overlooked & taken granted. Probably an unconscious action on her side, but rather a doubtful one on my sister's side. I need her to show me she cares & sympathize with my problems,just as much as my sister's hasty decisions have gotten them in the mess they are in right now. I can't be the problem solver all the time. Don't I get a break? I would never be older for her love & compassion too. How can she not get that?

finding the (ethics) balance..

..80's-90's & beyond

..parents have known to play mind games with kids from time to time. mine were no different. when someone asked to pick your fav parent, as a kid it was a no brainer to me. my little waves of instincts would kick in, i'd always pick my mother. she was the person i adored out of the whole world. she's been through to hell & back to keep our family glued. she gave up her happiness & stood by my unfaithful father...for us. looking back, i know it must have killed her to do that,but she's one strong willed woman. naturally i had in it me to watch over her.

'01 -08.. & counting..

my resentments towards my father softened over the years & eventually i learnt to forgive him. it has not been an easy road. forgiveness came rather easily, i wish forgetting the past was just as easy but it's not. but the effort was worth it because my anger & frustration was just consuming me and i refuse to live like that. now only if i could work on my trust issues. my trust issues,especially with men, stems from my troubled childhood. needless to say, all my relationships, in the past & present included, have suffered immensely. if anyone's been in my shoes, they'd tell you its not easy to crack open the walls you have carefully built around you. but all in all, i'm making progress. letting in my father, was the first bold step.

just as i was getting to know him, he became sick. it was always one after another. what started out as a heart failure has resulted into a massive stroke today. by-pass heart surgery, visits to the hospital, recovery periods seem endless. with oceans apart us, we have long phone conversations now. he would just ramble on & i would listen intently. at times what he says doesn't make much sense, but i'm still holding out to the opportunity of getting to know him, although my chances don't seem all that favorable.

i'm just hoping they (my parents) wouldn't play any mind games with me now.....i don't think i have a clear pick anymore....