forgiven....

when i was little, there were a lot of things going on in my family that i really didn't understand. no matter how much i would try, i just couldn't wrap my little head around it. sometimes i would ask my sister but being just an year older than me, she was often just as clueless. when i finally became old enough to understand the reality of the situation, i despised everything i found out. i wanted no part of it, just wanted everything to go back to normal like our neighbours around us. not an easy thing to do when you grow up in a small urban town where people like to be in everyone else's business. i remember the stares we would get when we walk up the street to get on the school bus.funny how i could read people just by a casual stare directed at you. something i'm still remarkably good at even now. i digress. more than anything i despised him. i was angry that he didn't care what it would mean to us. why couldn't he be like our friends fathers who were just normal and devoted? but there were a few times i would just soften up & feel bad for him too , because somewhere in the back of head i knew the whole situation was killing him inside and it couldnt be easy to have everyone else judge you.

over the years i learnt a lot & even have gotten around to forgive him for everything. i don't mean to be heartless when i say this but..although he's sick today, he probably has it easier than any three of us because he can't remember most, if not all of it. he's being showing signs of Alzheimer's, a common form of Dementia which he was diagnosed soon after the stroke.
it's like when you patch up a messy wall with some soothing wallpaper to cover the dirt,but you always know what's behind it but glad that wallpaper is masking it anyway . today i'm worried sick about him. when my cell goes off late at night, my heart jumps every time, fearing the worst.or i would just suddenly wake up middle of the night thinking i heard the phone ring when it hadn't.

well i guess that's just how life works. as much as you'd like, it doesn't come with a manual. you learn as you go along,picking up pieces. more than anything, i have learnt that when people we love make choices, we don't always understand them. their actions may hurt us but we can go on loving them just the same. it isn't a matter of comprehension. it's forgiveness. it's simply that.

catch up..

I haven't gotten around to write much anything in a while. Much of what's already written down here hasn't changed a whole lot despite my best efforts , and so rehashing things didn't seem like a good idea. It also has a tendency to tear down my mental well being, so why go there?

Well at least things are getting quieter back home, may be my last trip down there helped. My father seems a little more relaxed and aware. And surprisingly, doesn't act out as much. He still gets into occasional flare ups with my mother,but as the day dwindles he forgets them all on his own. And my mother appreciates these quiet nights. But it's hard not knowing when all this would all go away or if at all. Imagine living with someone like that 24/7?

I'm sure this is not what she envisioned for herself when they first got married and even after all these years she still continues to ride it out. Her endurance & unbelievable compassion is such an inspiration. She definitely has set the bar so high, now my kids have given me the chance to attempt to accomplish what my mother does very best, unconditional love. I don't want to fail.

finding the (ethics) balance..

..80's-90's & beyond

..parents have known to play mind games with kids from time to time. mine were no different. when someone asked to pick your fav parent, as a kid it was a no brainer to me. my little waves of instincts would kick in, i'd always pick my mother. she was the person i adored out of the whole world. she's been through to hell & back to keep our family glued. she gave up her happiness & stood by my unfaithful father...for us. looking back, i know it must have killed her to do that,but she's one strong willed woman. naturally i had in it me to watch over her.

'01 -08.. & counting..

my resentments towards my father softened over the years & eventually i learnt to forgive him. it has not been an easy road. forgiveness came rather easily, i wish forgetting the past was just as easy but it's not. but the effort was worth it because my anger & frustration was just consuming me and i refuse to live like that. now only if i could work on my trust issues. my trust issues,especially with men, stems from my troubled childhood. needless to say, all my relationships, in the past & present included, have suffered immensely. if anyone's been in my shoes, they'd tell you its not easy to crack open the walls you have carefully built around you. but all in all, i'm making progress. letting in my father, was the first bold step.

just as i was getting to know him, he became sick. it was always one after another. what started out as a heart failure has resulted into a massive stroke today. by-pass heart surgery, visits to the hospital, recovery periods seem endless. with oceans apart us, we have long phone conversations now. he would just ramble on & i would listen intently. at times what he says doesn't make much sense, but i'm still holding out to the opportunity of getting to know him, although my chances don't seem all that favorable.

i'm just hoping they (my parents) wouldn't play any mind games with me now.....i don't think i have a clear pick anymore....

my father's eyes..

eric clapton's song (below)struck a particular cord in me.. my relationship with my father got tarnished along the way, there were a lot of reasons. although i blamed his erratic behavior for our family's instability, a apart of me secretly kind of adored him too.

he was a sensational writer, he wrote phenomenal poems, short stories, some freelancing here & there. he always encouraged us to read & learn about the world around us. he would quizz our knowledge in world capitals & made sure we knew how to map in other countries. even to this day, i cannot help but think it was him who got me interested in the outside world. we always dared us to think out of the box. he'd say "dont be like frogs living in a well". its a popular sri lankan saying which depicts being conscious of the greater world around you.its funny how much you remember sayings like that now, back then we would just laugh it off. sometimes i'd throw these sayings at my kids when im mad about something, the bewildered looks on their innocent faces crack me up everytime.

there was a period i never even talked to him, i was so ashamed of the things he'd done. i was angry that my childhood memories were always clouded with his infidelity. over the years, i learnt to forgive him & let things fall where they may.

he had his first stroke a couple of years ago which left him about 70% crippled, my strong willed mother helped him get through the difficult times. he was making pretty good recovery when another stroke left him 90% blind, just a couple of months ago. today he's one helpless man. and it just breaks my heart and to see him in this state & my pain is just indescribable.

life flows in some mysterious ways. growing up i spent most of the years, just despising him. sometimes i even wished for a different kind of a father. but little did i know that the joke was on me the whole time.... anger & frustration left me spent. it consumed my energy. today he can't even remember most of the stuff much less his past.

now i spend my days worrying over the same man, whom i despised growing up. asking for his forgiveness is the easy part, forgiving my self is the hardest of all.....