forgiven....

when i was little, there were a lot of things going on in my family that i really didn't understand. no matter how much i would try, i just couldn't wrap my little head around it. sometimes i would ask my sister but being just an year older than me, she was often just as clueless. when i finally became old enough to understand the reality of the situation, i despised everything i found out. i wanted no part of it, just wanted everything to go back to normal like our neighbours around us. not an easy thing to do when you grow up in a small urban town where people like to be in everyone else's business. i remember the stares we would get when we walk up the street to get on the school bus.funny how i could read people just by a casual stare directed at you. something i'm still remarkably good at even now. i digress. more than anything i despised him. i was angry that he didn't care what it would mean to us. why couldn't he be like our friends fathers who were just normal and devoted? but there were a few times i would just soften up & feel bad for him too , because somewhere in the back of head i knew the whole situation was killing him inside and it couldnt be easy to have everyone else judge you.

over the years i learnt a lot & even have gotten around to forgive him for everything. i don't mean to be heartless when i say this but..although he's sick today, he probably has it easier than any three of us because he can't remember most, if not all of it. he's being showing signs of Alzheimer's, a common form of Dementia which he was diagnosed soon after the stroke.
it's like when you patch up a messy wall with some soothing wallpaper to cover the dirt,but you always know what's behind it but glad that wallpaper is masking it anyway . today i'm worried sick about him. when my cell goes off late at night, my heart jumps every time, fearing the worst.or i would just suddenly wake up middle of the night thinking i heard the phone ring when it hadn't.

well i guess that's just how life works. as much as you'd like, it doesn't come with a manual. you learn as you go along,picking up pieces. more than anything, i have learnt that when people we love make choices, we don't always understand them. their actions may hurt us but we can go on loving them just the same. it isn't a matter of comprehension. it's forgiveness. it's simply that.

chit chat with dad

on most days our phone conversations would turn into something like this..

me: so how are you doing? what have you been doing?

i feel a lot better. a lot. i think i'm all okay now. are you coming down soon?

me:may be by the end of the year. i dont know yet. you still have to take your meds. you know that,right?

they are taken of, i'm doing a lot better now. when are you coming down again?

me:i dont know yet, may be at end of the year. i'll let you know okay?

i may start work again soon. did you send my stationary? oh i forgot to ask you..when are you coming down again?

me:but amma tells me you still havent used the stuff i sent last time.do you need anything else?

oh yes, i forgot. ha ha. i forget a little bit. so when are you coming down again?



sigh :(

my father's eyes..

eric clapton's song (below)struck a particular cord in me.. my relationship with my father got tarnished along the way, there were a lot of reasons. although i blamed his erratic behavior for our family's instability, a apart of me secretly kind of adored him too.

he was a sensational writer, he wrote phenomenal poems, short stories, some freelancing here & there. he always encouraged us to read & learn about the world around us. he would quizz our knowledge in world capitals & made sure we knew how to map in other countries. even to this day, i cannot help but think it was him who got me interested in the outside world. we always dared us to think out of the box. he'd say "dont be like frogs living in a well". its a popular sri lankan saying which depicts being conscious of the greater world around you.its funny how much you remember sayings like that now, back then we would just laugh it off. sometimes i'd throw these sayings at my kids when im mad about something, the bewildered looks on their innocent faces crack me up everytime.

there was a period i never even talked to him, i was so ashamed of the things he'd done. i was angry that my childhood memories were always clouded with his infidelity. over the years, i learnt to forgive him & let things fall where they may.

he had his first stroke a couple of years ago which left him about 70% crippled, my strong willed mother helped him get through the difficult times. he was making pretty good recovery when another stroke left him 90% blind, just a couple of months ago. today he's one helpless man. and it just breaks my heart and to see him in this state & my pain is just indescribable.

life flows in some mysterious ways. growing up i spent most of the years, just despising him. sometimes i even wished for a different kind of a father. but little did i know that the joke was on me the whole time.... anger & frustration left me spent. it consumed my energy. today he can't even remember most of the stuff much less his past.

now i spend my days worrying over the same man, whom i despised growing up. asking for his forgiveness is the easy part, forgiving my self is the hardest of all.....