perceptions

the perceptions i stood by have always changed from time to time. may be its something that happens inevitably as you grow older.or may be they are just resulting in from the multitude of changes taken place in my life over the years. not all of these changes were asked for.just a handful of them. to be more specific, most have brought me tears and caused pain. but i seem to have ignored the few grateful ones which have brought me nothing but blissful joy. because i can be such a big time worrier (is that a word? )sometimes i forget to appreciate and celebrate these little joys in my life. as i'm writing this, it sounds so simple. but how did i miss that?

"A" friend

recently i lost contact with a close friend for reasons beyond my control, which is a another story in itself. she was resorted to move temporarily to the country where she grew up in but promised she would be back by the end of summer. she needed the break. i miss her everyday, she was my confidante and my partner in crime so to speak. so as the days are passing by, I'm beginning to think we are just drifting apart. we try to stay in touch on fb & email but i have seen a gradual change. i cant seem to open up to her anymore. it has probably got to do with me more than on her part, i feel guilty about that.i just have to see where things are with us when she gets back.i want to be able to pick up from where we left off. i don't know why i feel so awkward about the whole thing. why is it something i had been so comfortable with, have suddenly turned so complicated?

my kids & i were watching reba, and this song came on.just couldn't stop listening...

behind closed doors..

holding back tears
to no avail
they roll down
suppressing sobs
digging deep
spilling onto the pillow

in presence of the world
hiding behind
the pretentious smiles
painting the scars of pain

behind closed doors
amidst the chaos
seek refuge
into the long night
pain gushing out
like a teary flood

relationships in a diagram

i remember studying them in school. while the venn diagram is used here as a simple device to reveal essential aspects of most intimate relationships, i try to think where i'd place mine in it. i keep going from one to the other. what if the two bubbles are completely overlapped? would it define a perfect relationship, metaphorically?

chit chat with dad

on most days our phone conversations would turn into something like this..

me: so how are you doing? what have you been doing?

i feel a lot better. a lot. i think i'm all okay now. are you coming down soon?

me:may be by the end of the year. i dont know yet. you still have to take your meds. you know that,right?

they are taken of, i'm doing a lot better now. when are you coming down again?

me:i dont know yet, may be at end of the year. i'll let you know okay?

i may start work again soon. did you send my stationary? oh i forgot to ask you..when are you coming down again?

me:but amma tells me you still havent used the stuff i sent last time.do you need anything else?

oh yes, i forgot. ha ha. i forget a little bit. so when are you coming down again?



sigh :(

amma

Last time I spoke with her, I hung up on her. Something I never have done before.Well..may be just once. But I had to. I would have exploded otherwise. I didn't care who was around me, I lost it, completely. I wasn't mad, but I was really hurt. So much. Had I been mad, it would have been so much easier to digest later on ,but when you're hurt by someone you trust got your back, it bites. Is there another feeling worse than that? Don't think so. I didn't realize I was being so emotional & crying my eyes out until my kids started to knock on the door. I was still a mess long after I hung up.

I have always been the one to rescue anyone in my family, regardless of how much their actions have hurt me in the past. I was the safety net. I dont know how I eneded up with the thorny title, but I just woke up one day with it like an invisible tat. I have lost count how many times I've acted on that. But somewhere along our family drama, I (my feelings)get overlooked & taken granted. Probably an unconscious action on her side, but rather a doubtful one on my sister's side. I need her to show me she cares & sympathize with my problems,just as much as my sister's hasty decisions have gotten them in the mess they are in right now. I can't be the problem solver all the time. Don't I get a break? I would never be older for her love & compassion too. How can she not get that?

seeing ants....

..tiptoeing a trail of some uninvited ants under a kerosene lit lamp with my Dad. yes, now that I think back, that has got to be my earliest memory of my childhood. It was just after sun down and my Dad had found the ants crawling into a space in the kitchen and wanted to show us. I was probably around 3 years old, and my sister, barely a year older. I don't think we had electricity (or running water) in that house. Being so small at the time, I don't really remember all the details but it was very small with a built in lattice front porch. We were just thrilled to see the ants crawling patiently one after the other, and we just couldn't hide our excitement. Were they red or black ants? I wish I'd remembered, not that it matters. As we got closer to the end of ants trail, the flame of the lamp burnt the inside of my sister's arm. She probably winced in pain, the memory is so vague & it's all patchy in my head so I don't remember everything now. She carried the scar well into her teens it would ignite our conversations over the ant story all over again. It was something we always connected without any effort, those moments were hard to come by especially when we were both teenagers.We fought an awful lot :(

The only surviving pictures taken in that house are neatly stashed away in a family album back home in Sri Lanka. My mom dressed beautifully in a Saree and looking so young & pretty & slim, my dad in pants & a button down shirt and my sister and I dressed in look-alike dresses sitting on the bar in our lattice front porch, with the biggest grins we all could muster. Now it feels like a lifetime ago....

what matters the most?

this quick post was prompted after a chain email i found in my in box. i ususally ignore emails of that nature but for some reason i'm going against my own rules.

we spend our lives thinking way too much about the time we have left but we forget to live in the moment,live now. we get so wrapped up with storms in our lives, sometimes it's hard to see things with a real perspective. what matters the most to you? sure, for most people like me, its the loved ones in our lives. well if you haven't any, may be this will ground you to question yourself why. how would you lead a life that puts a great deal of emphasis on what matters? since i can't speak for anyone else, for me it would be making time for what matters.

making those difficult decisions i have been avoiding in a round-about way and getting rid of ones that doesn't matter.that may not be always easy but it matters. whether we have 6 months or 60 years left, in the blink of an eye everything we think we have time for could be gone. makes sense?