perception of emotions

i needed to listen to this. sending hugs to my sweet friend S who shared it with me.

things never said..

I don't know why I don't tell you these things when I talk to you. I take things for granted too easily with you, but you never seem to mind. I know I've never been the conservative or the traditional kind of daughter to you. When I look around I see mothers & daughters going on about their lives together, for a minute I forget what you have instilled in me, I look at them in envy. not in malicious way, but it's a kind of a yearning for what I don't have. I left you to raise a family of my own and built my own priorities. No matter how far you may be, I can feel you around me on good days and bad. It guilt's me so much for not being there with you and for you. But you never say a word or hold grudges.

Growing up I wondered why you always were so willing to settle for the second best in life, putting everyone else in front of you. I never said anything, even when I was old enough to understand. I took the easy way out, thought you wouldn't mind either way. Today I cringe at the thought because it would break my heart if mine ever didn't. Did it ever cross your mind? I couldn't tell because you never give anything away.

To this day, you are the ONLY person I know who loves me unconditionally. You believe in me even when I don't. You think the world of me and always proud to acknowledge me as a part of you. Your compassion is unparalleled. It amazes me how you do that without even skipping a heartbeat. I'm miles behind learning from you, and I try everyday because you never gave up.

Your love and resilience has carried me through this far. I owe it all to you. As much as I would love to say this in person, I would have to settle for a crappy roaming phone connection tommorow. I love you & miss you and hope you take some time off to enjoy the day. Happy Birthday Amma!

landslide

stevie nicks might have had meant it to be an abstract song with obvious references thrown in here & there. she wouldn't have known how much it was going to resonate with other people, let alone how many variations would eventually spill out of what it actually conveyed.

that's the beauty of songs you love. you find solace within to help through the times. you allow it to be whatever you want it to be. it's only yours to keep. this is mine.

it's the small things i miss the most..

...his voice sounds excited over the phone. he doesn't repeat everything for once but retells me the cricket match, which sri lanka won against canada just days ago. i don't want to spoil the moment and tell him i'd seen it online, so i play along. i like when he gets excited about something. he doesnt hold back, just let his words flow easily. he's always been like that. i remember how we would all watch cricket matches gathered around the tv. just hollering at the same time,running to the bathroom or grabbing a snack in between the short commercial breaks and dashing back just in time before an over is started. and the times how he wouldn't let us jinx our players as if they could hear us through the tv. and the sheer joy in his eyes after a nail biting win.

i miss those days. i miss seeing him in moments like that. what i wouldn't do to just relive those moments...

no gifts,pls

not a substantial post, just a random one to fill in the gaps.

i have a hard time accepting gifts outside my husband & kids. some might call it arrogant or just too uptight.well, you can't please everyone. may be it's my pet peeve ,if you will. i don't like it when someone makes a big deal with gifts (not wishes)out of what i like, much less my birthday. some people have wish lists they'd like to share with others. i don't like sharing mine. according to my husband's critical analysis, i'm just too much of a control freak to let someone else do something nice for me even for a day. may be there's some truth in it, but that's just me.
we had some family (his side) over for the holidays last year and it also happened to be right around my birthday as well. we were all just kicking back one night when someone brought up the subject of my birthday & whatnot. to which i quickly followed that up with an idea of just keeping it really simple like going out to dinner and maybe taking all the kids bowling to finish up the night. with the slightest hint of defiance in my voice, i told them not to worry about gifts & all that, because i really don't want anything,please! i can't remember if i put some emphasis on "don't want", but i might have. that didn't sit too well with some,of course. they were his family, so i'm sure my husband expected me to just go along with things for once. it wasn't my intent to offend anyone but i wasn't looking for any material pleasure rather just get over it & have good time with their company, that's all. i don't see anything wrong with it. anyways, we ended up going out to dinner & bowling and then some. i even survived an uncomfortable brief moment.

the week after they left, i returned all the gifts to the store and asked for merchandise credit to shop for my kids for the summer.

another year...

i'm debating if i ought to catch up or just start from right here right now. either way i have had a lot of time to reflect on things. since i've started to work out of home reducing my hours just enough to stay within part time wage, house gets awfully quiet around this time of the day with no one to barge in on me,giving me plenty of time to do just that. the battles that had me raging on my head seem to disintegrate little by little. i allow things to roll off my back more easily now,something i have been struggling to do for a long time..
so contrary to all the hype, absolutely no new year resolutions, no goals to achieve, no dreams to manifest, just boldly taking life one day at a time..



"there are only two ways to live your life. one is as though nothing is a miracle.the other is as though everything is a miracle" Einstein said that.

play along

sometimes the people you care about the most can also bring out the worst in you. case in point,my parents. just when you think things are getting be a little quaint, here they go at it again. they argue over everything. silly things like who gets to watch what's on tv or even who gets to talk to me first when i call can make them go insane. and did i mention the bickering? i can pick up on the resentment in my mother's voice thousand miles away. whatever she does nowadays is never good enough for my father and i'm not sure if she will ever measure up in his eyes period. so the slightest thing can set him off & there's always plenty to whine about. all i can do is listen while they vent. the speaker option helps too.

since she has tolerated beyond her share of anguish over the years, she doesn't feel the need to go out of her way just to make him happy anymore. from where she's sitting, he hasn't really redeemed himself. he has done pretty outrageous things through the years making us all go down with him. now that i think about it, it's a wonder he didn't land in jail much less getting beaten and lay in a ditch somewhere. as anonymous as i can roam on the periphery of my own blog, i still cant get myself to write about some of the things he's done. not out of respect for him but for her. so as sad it is, i see her point but her timing seems way off.

the irony is, with him losing his memory in a gradual phase, he doesn't remember all that much. unless you talk to him about something, he may be able to piece some events here & there but not cohesive enough to carry on a conversation. i dont mind repeating myself every 2 minutes or not take it personally when he can't come up with my childrens' names. i know enough to play along not to make him feel offended.after all what good can come out of going over things he doesn't even remember committing? this is what she's up against. she's going up against a shell of a man deemed with a horrible past and who never stood the chance at redemption. now what good can come out of that? not something i want to be in the middle of.

what if..

this isn't a substantial post of any kind..rather just something i've been thinking about.

ask any kid they'll tell you birthdays are fun. may be not so much, if you ask a grown up. i'm on that boat.forget the crap about the older you get the wiser you become. for me the idea of getting older is quite the unsettling kind much less becoming any wiser. would you be around for that many years again? may be i'm being too much of a cynic right now :)

the mother in me..

they've grown up so much. in such a little time. so much so i can't remember how quickly time has flown by like a minute. so many memories flood my mind. as any other mom, i worry. i worry if i've had done enough, i worry if i'm doing enough and i worry if i'd ever do enough. you know the motherly responsibilities. with so many aspirations to stand up to, it's a daunting task to say the least. will i ever be good enough and fill up the mold ? i have no idea. all i can do is to keep on loving them every way possible & more.