perception of emotions

i needed to listen to this. sending hugs to my sweet friend S who shared it with me.

going on retreat

..there’s a quaint little place out in Olaboduwa village, just off Gonapola (close to Horana, if i remember right) in Sri Lanka, where you can go on a spiritual retreat. Ayya Khema International Mediation center lies in the midst of rice fields & rubber plantations & holds retreats every first Sunday of the month for anyone who wants to initiate a personal exploration of Buddhism.

this place is run by Aramaya Bikkhuni Kusuma, a fully ordained buddhist nun who was among the few educated women influenced to re-established the therevada bikkuni order in sl. when her mentor, Ayya Khema passed away in ’97, a chunk of the responsibilities was piled up on her & the meditation center was built with the help of donors all over the world. google her or look her up on fb and she even has some pics out of this amazing place. Or check out the link;
http://www.congress-on-buddhist-women.org/index.php?id=71

feeling mundane..

...things have been bottling up inside me since i was about 10 years old, i'd explode if i don't do anything about it. i guess i never learnt how to deal with my problems head on. i would just shove them in somewhere behind my walls. kind of like..well..if i dont think about it, it does not exist. but now, so many years later, it's taking a huge toll on just about everything in my life .

well..it all started out when news about my father's infidelity unravelled in our family. although i may have been about 7 or 8 yrs old, i remember the pain & the tears very well. i remember a lot of hushed out conversations between my mother & her family & friends. the alleged woman was an unmarried neighbor from right across the street, literally. as kids, we were fond of her and called her aunty. i knew things were bad when i saw my parents fighting over this and my mother crying most of the time. but my father came back home every night as if nothing had happened, being just a kid then, that was good enough for me. sometimes my young mind would wander trying to find answers that make sense, but it always left me sad.

my escape from all this was, school. i love my school days. i knew i can be a different person in school. none of my friends knew anything. i dared to tell even my closest friend, who im still friends with. if someone found out, i would just die of shame.

looking back i realize, i never really talked about it with anyone. i have an older sister but she & i never really got along. being just 11 months apart, we were constantly fighting over random things. but there were plenty of good times between us too, but somehow we never really overcame our common pain. we were brought up in a typical conservative environment as you would find in just about any city in sri lanka. discussing personal family matters were considered a taboo. so we pretty much kept things to ourselves. back then we didnt know any different.

im sure things have changed now, i see my nieces & nephews are more outspoken & demanding.

..to be continued..